I’m developing this new problem of not sleeping at the correct time. It’s currently 4 in the morning on a Saturday and I’m not even the slightest bit tired. I’m huddled away in this seamlessly boring room I actually quite like and I’m stuck on my bed. Unmoving for that matter. My bed likes to squeak and whine no matter how much you move. Gay Tommy and Gay Rick are all snuggled on the floor together, Julie’s out in her bed, and I do believe Christina’s asleep but don’t quote me on that. She could very well be reading still.
Why am I telling you this?
My body craves the idea of sleep. My muscles ache and my head is heavy, my eyes want to close but it does no good. My brain’s running a mile a minute through everything that’s piling down on me. So much damn responsibility and I’m stuck wondering what the hell it’s problem is by keeping me up this late.
I suppose sleep isn’t all that required, it’s not like I have anything planned for tomorrow but I wish then that my body and my mind could be on the same page. I hate being fatigued and stuck over here where I want to collapse and just curl up, but my mind’s on crack over there running a mile a minute and reminding me that it’s time to grow up now and that the world really is in fact a big disaster and there will be no apocalypse tonight to save me.
I’m searching for some stupid ending that’ll relieve a bit of responsibility that isn’t archaic from me. I’m a god damn ENGLISH MAJOR! What was I thinking? Each passing minute I want to slap myself for being so stupid when I decided on this choice. What good will it do me? Is it doing me good now? Can my contribution be anything of importance? What the hell was I really wanting to be when this major popped into my head and I decided it was the best of choices?
Questions. So many questions. I just want to slip into a stupid slumber and maybe dream about a different future, or maybe think about a different past. I just want to think about anything other than this daunting truth of being useless in this century and having no real direction on where to go.
Useless I say.
I don’t want to be useless.
I have these dreams that take me places I don’t want to exist in anymore. I’m so tired of relying on everyone to help me function. I’m so tired of being a burden on anyone. A burden on myself for that matter as well. I’m tired of being physically tired and stuck wondering why, now of all times, when I’m supposed to be relaxing because my semester is over, do I have to burden myself once again with the stupidity of wondering why I am who I am.