05.11.13
by

Insomnia

I’m developing this new problem of not sleeping at the correct time. It’s currently 4 in the morning on a Saturday and I’m not even the slightest bit tired. I’m huddled away in this seamlessly boring room I actually quite like and I’m stuck on my bed. Unmoving for that matter. My bed likes to squeak and whine no matter how much you move. Gay Tommy and Gay Rick are all snuggled on the floor together, Julie’s out in her bed, and I do believe Christina’s asleep but don’t quote me on that. She could very well be reading still.

Why am I telling you this?

My body craves the idea of sleep. My muscles ache and my head is heavy, my eyes want to close but it does no good. My brain’s running a mile a minute through everything that’s piling down on me. So much damn responsibility and I’m stuck wondering what the hell it’s problem is by keeping me up this late.

I suppose sleep isn’t all that required, it’s not like I have anything planned for tomorrow but I wish then that my body and my mind could be on the same page. I hate being fatigued and stuck over here where I want to collapse and just curl up, but my mind’s on crack over there running a mile a minute and reminding me that it’s time to grow up now and that the world really is in fact a big disaster and there will be no apocalypse tonight to save me.

I’m searching for some stupid ending that’ll relieve a bit of responsibility that isn’t archaic from me. I’m a god damn ENGLISH MAJOR! What was I thinking? Each passing minute I want to slap myself for being so stupid when I decided on this choice. What good will it do me? Is it doing me good now? Can my contribution be anything of importance? What the hell was I really wanting to be when this major popped into my head and I decided it was the best of choices?

Questions. So many questions. I just want to slip into a stupid slumber and maybe dream about a different future, or maybe think about a different past. I just want to think about anything other than this daunting truth of being useless in this century and having no real direction on where to go.

Useless I say.

I don’t want to be useless.

I have these dreams that take me places I don’t want to exist in anymore. I’m so tired of relying on everyone to help me function. I’m so tired of being a burden on anyone. A burden on myself for that matter as well. I’m tired of being physically tired and stuck wondering why, now of all times, when I’m supposed to be relaxing because my semester is over, do I have to burden myself once again with the stupidity of wondering why I am who I am.

05.04.13
by

Walking of The Dead People

My last final is in four days and I haven’t started studying. It’s going to be a murder of a Spanish final and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get a bad grade for the simple fact that summer has already sunk into my brain. I’m avoiding real life and I’m reverting to summer pointless funsies. My studies will catch up though after I relax a little bit more. Hopefully, maybe…

Like Walking Dead. Aka reading the comic, finally. I’ve found a lovely source of a friend who is providing me with copies to read as I was informed not to buy them because I might not like them much. So I’m taking that opinion completely to heart as Holly tends to know me well. After this it’s going to be Invincible. I haven’t read comic’s before so this is going to be a fun experience.

I’m going to finish up season three of Walking Dead (tv show) too. I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it, plus no cable, plus no time. So you know… all those plus’s for some strange reason end in a negative of me being behind in one of my favorite show sphere’s.

WALKING DEAD HERE I GO.

05.01.13
by

Bloggy Blog Blog

School caught me by storm and threw me around a bit there didn’t it? I’ve been so wrapped up in everything to do with class that I’ve forgotten a lot of fundamental aspects of my life. I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m itchy, but I’m practically done, and that’s more than a lot of people can say. (This doesn’t mean done for good, I’ve yet another year to go).

At the end of each semester I like to be cliche and think of what I got out of it. Either it be school or friend’s there tends to be something important that clicked and made it worth it. So let me put on a little Green Day (Time of Your Life of course) and think about it, eh?

1) My finished 491 Project : I’ll be posting photos on here eventually but what I can truly say is that it’s as done as it will be, and I’m proud of it. A complete publish ready, hand bound book, full of poems with illustrations for practically each line. I was so very happy when Dr. Sunny told me she was excited to read it. The project was a bitch during all of its making and I suppose that’s why I love it so much. I lost files a lot, lost a computer too, and lost my mind in the process, but I finished it!

2) My Gays : Julie brought someone to the table during a painting event and I didn’t quit like him much. Then he started dating one of my really good male friend’s and I’m pretty much set in loving him now. All of my friends seem to understand that I’m shut off when it comes to making new friends. I’m critical and standoffish. They warn a lot of people before they meet me and Tommy was no exception. He’s one of my favorite people now though, and I figure he’s one of the main reason’s me and Rick have become so close to. Who says you only get one gay friend for life? I’ve got two and they’re both epic.

3) Christina : It seems to be every semester that I get closer and closer to the Klausing, and this semester only proved to be a relationship builder.

4) Ache and Pain in my Heart : I used to believe feeling was a little too hard for someone of my caliber. I was convinced for about ten years of my life I couldn’t love, and I didn’t know what it was if someone loved me. What’s truly happened to me this semester is a whole new feeling spectrum. Each person I’ve become close to has proved in me a reason to actually reach out to them. I feel less detached day and day and it’s funny.

5) Advertisement! : I got the position at the end of the semester (for next year) that I’ve been dreaming about for years. It comes with a bundle of fear I’m not ready to focus on yet, but it’ll be ok. It really has to be.

Well, The Gays are waking as we speak, sprawled out all over my living room floor looking lovely as they wait for me to get ready. I need to shower, put clothes on, then gobble down some ice cream and a really bad burger from Big Top. I’m going to enjoy every minute of my last bad meal.

Parting words are simply, Just Live. Kind of like Nike shoes but not. I’ve found in my time that sitting in side only results in more consumption fear. You’ve got to get out, know people, lose people, love people, and hate them. Flirt, flings, crushes, friends, acquaintances  fights, the whole shabang.

Feel it.

That’s the end of my lame Shanelle inspiration.

03.22.13
by

491 Poem 2

If I wanted to rhyme I would rhyme!
These poems aren’t an exposition, a mild transition,
       but a definition of the words that I want.
I’ll write them down, order I want,
       motion,
       commotion,
       and position,
       that I like.
They’ll bleed my fucked up mind,
       matter and blood dripping off each line.
I’ll spin the words of an uneducated college student,
Spit them out with a confidence that is fake.
Each word is carved into my flesh
       buried deep under layers of stereotypes.
Words wrap around my rib-cage,
       grow roots and sink themselves into my organs,
       don’t tell me I can’t feel them.
They’re the strength to my lungs,
       the support to my heart and I only bat
       for the strung sentences of everyday life.